Automatic
For someone who spent years feeling like I struggled to make habits, I lean on routine. I'd have no trouble wearing the same thing day in and day out; or keeping the structure of each morning, noon, and night as similar as possible. Keeping things the same seems to be my default state. I keep reminding myself to do things differently, push myself out of my comfort zone, and say yes when invited to things, otherwise I'm likely to stagnate. Yet I wish my habits were so quick to crystallize. Often my habits feel like opinions: strongly felt, weakly held.
I've been trying to balance freshness and stability a bit more. I don't want to become locked into any one way of thinking, of living—yet at the same time, I want to give myself the space consistency allows me to explore new things. It's part of the reason I've been looking for a more consistent "normal" job instead of freelancing—albeit fruitlessly, thus far. It's damn hard to make dinner, spend time with my girlfriend, let alone write before or after 12ish hours on set. But to this point, it's all I can do. That's the work that's been offered to me, so that's what I've done.
After about a month of little to do, I've been really busy for about a month now. It's good for my wallet (though tough to be so boom-bust like that), but bad for my routine. In the previous month, I was crushing my habits, nearly perfect on my morning routine, writing a ton, feeling relaxed and refreshed in the evenings. Now, I'm fighting to maintain even the habits I think of as my strongest.
What I've learned is that it's never automatic.
I've journaled every day for over two years now, but for the first time in a while, I've got a few days to catch up on. When I first started consciously habit-building, and especially journaling, I remember reading tons of info on how to get a habit to stick. How many consecutive days are needed, what conditions need to be met to make a habit automatic. But what I've learned is that it's never automatic. At least for me, it's always going to take some serious effort on my part. I hope to keep journaling every day for as long as I can. It's been an extremely fruitful practice, helping me see where I'm going, reflect on my life, challenge myself to do better. It's something I look forward to. Yet it's so easy to let it slip. My desire to journal has solidified, but not the act.
It's not just journaling. Rarely does a day go by that I miss my Japanese flashcards, but I do miss days here and there. I used to care strongly about my streak, and still aim to be as consistent as I can, but I've realized to be a bit more generous with myself, as well. I'm not fully in control of my work schedule. There are days I get a migraine, or days where something comes up. I can't control all the circumstances that affect me, nor can I somehow make something become as effortless as breathing. But maybe "effortless" is a misplaced aim. The friction felt is often what makes a task worth doing. Writing certainly is this way, I think: the distance and thought-process afforded by doing the work is the point. Instead, what I want to yearn for is diligence. I may miss a day here or there, but I know that I'll get back to it as soon as I'm able, and make up for what I missed.
Things seemed to have settled down again for the time being (hopefully this idle time is less than a month, though). While I finished working this weekend, I'm still working my way back into my schedule, my routine, my habits. I'm catching up on my journal, gradually, but consistently. It's not automatic, and maybe that's for the best.
